Tiger Tiger

2006-04-11T21:21:00.000-07:00

2006-03-11T12:13:00.000-08:00

Odd Look a Likes

2006-02-26T12:13:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of Tiger and of Pope John Paul's first Communion. When I saw this picture in the paper after his death I freaked out at how much it looked like my son, Tiger!

Christmas

2005-12-28T20:14:00.000-08:00

This year we all went out to the farm on Christmas. It was wonderful. I just have to brag on my Tiger ! He did SO WELL at his great grandmother's house. She had two tables worth of snow village. He looked, but didn't touch. Ok, he touched maybe once, but overall he was very self controlled. He had a great time playing outside in the dirt.

A few years ago his grandparents had him for a week at their house, without us. After that he got upset every time he saw them, and definitely everytime they came to our house. This year he seems to have either forgiven them or forgotten about it. He was very sweet to them the last time they came for a visit and he was definitely comfortable in their house this Christmas.

Another amazing thing to me was that he didn't bother the Christmas trees at all. If I had known that I would have put up the taller one. In fact the only ornaments that were broken were Alex and Zoe's fault.

He got quite a few toys but he really beamed at the Batman action figure. See, he broke his last one, and his brother's too. He looked so pleased to get the same one. he had such a big smile on his face. I wish I had a video camera to capture the moment. It was really a sweet moment.

Overall, he was such a good boy. That was his gift to us!

The Poem

2005-12-18T12:28:00.000-08:00

· BIBLIOGRAPHIC RECORD

Arthur Quiller-Couch, ed. 1919. The Oxford Book of English Verse: 1250–1900.

William Blake. 1757–1827

489. The Tiger

TIGER, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies	5
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?	10
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp	15
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears,
And water'd heaven with their tears,
Did He smile His work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee?	20

Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

Tiger's Christmas List

2005-12-11T20:09:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,

I have been a good little boy this year!

I want:

Moon shoes
Dr. Seuss books
Crayon magic color book
Batman shirt

Love, Tiger

School picture

2005-11-19T20:50:00.000-08:00

Tiger's 2nd grade picture!

Finding a Place

2005-10-24T22:19:00.000-07:00

I frequently use some phrases. Some are more colorful than others. One of the phrases lately comes from a song. The phrase is: my place in this world.

You see having a child with a disability changes your thinking. You understand with certainty that you and this child may not share the same goals. Things parents dream of for their children may not be possible. Sometimes these dreams just aren’t the same and really don’t become the child’s own desires.

Two years ago, some teachers asked me about a short term goal for Tiger. I said that I want to play catch with him. The ugly truth is he wasn’t interested in playing catch.

So now I look at things differently. I try to consider his desires more. What matters to me is helping him find his place in this world. I realize that I don’t control what that place will be. The big challenge is finding the desires of his heart.

If I can only figure out what he truly desires then I can help him achieve his own goals. Thoreau was so right; most men do lead lives of quiet desperation. Those who live deliberately seem to have clearly defined desires. They strive after the longing of their hearts. Those who do not strive for their wants still want. It is all about simplicity.

I want my children to do more than long for their goals. I want them to achieve their goals. This will never happen if I obsess on projecting my own agenda on their lives.

My children are far too independent to be molded. I can’t force them to be what I want them to be. Perhaps I should start leading them instead. Tiger’s autism only accentuates the truth. God makes children. Parents just raise them.

My deepest desire is that all of my children discover what they are chosen to be. They all have a place in this world. Maybe I can help them find their place. Or, maybe they can find it without any help.

What Can I Say?

2005-10-22T19:50:00.000-07:00

Autistic people cannot reasonably be expected to exhibit personal qualities and behavior identical to that of their typically developing peers. When difficulties arise, intelligence, compassion and humility are in order, not arrogance, negative judgment and contempt. An autistic person should no more be held at fault for eccentric or challenging behavior in a social environment than should a visually impaired person be held at fault for difficulty navigating an unfamiliar environment. It is inherently discriminatory to scrutinize a person with a cognitive or sensory difference, then to penalize them for the very challenges that accompany that difference. It is unconscionable to employ governmental power in an attempt to enforce such discrimination. It is inaccurate and disgraceful to suggest that contact with persons with cognitive difference poses a threat to others. It is particularly inhumane to inflict such damning judgment upon a child.

And THAT is what I should say to the next judgemental idiot who has something snarky to say about my son's behavior in public!

This is a part of an article written by Kathleen Siedel, the Autistic Distinction. Its over on Neurodiversity.com. I just love her and what she has to say about Autism.

Texas State Fair 2005

2005-10-21T22:16:00.000-07:00

I love this pic of my little Tiger with his daddy.
Tiger was pretty well behaved considering all the activity going on!

2005-10-13T12:10:00.000-07:00

You know the corndogs had to be amazingly good at the Fair for Tiger to be eating them!

Actually he has been surprising me lately with his food choices. He was so picky for a long time, I worried that I would have to be giving him major supplements for his nutrition. As of a few weeks ago he has discovered peanut butter sandwiches again. And his new absolute favorite is grilled cheese. But not just any grilled cheese sandwich will do, it has to be the way daddy makes it. He puts a little butter on the bread and cooks it in an iron pan. So delicious! Tiger will get the bread and the slice of cheese and hand it to his dad. Tiger loves to help us cook. If it needs stirring, he's our man.

I noticed the other day we had 3 bottles of ketchup in the fridge. As I was pouring the other two into the one Tiger saw me and just beamed with happiness. He looked at me as if to say, "thats cool! You like what I like!" He LOVES to pour water back and forth into various containers. Then something Autism Diva said the other day popped into my head. If the kid likes water, use it to teach him other things. Tiger's positive reaction to me pouring ketchup makes me hopeful that I can teach him something and he will be interested. I know I can't crash his water play, but if I do my own, he may want in on that. Now I just have to figure out what I can teach him with water.

We went to the Texas State Fair. It was good fun but it ended up raining on us. Luckily we saw just about everything by the time it was coming down hard. Tiger wanted to run off quite a bit, but so did our other two children. Maybe next year Tiger will want to go on the giant ferris wheel with me an Alex. I don't imagine he is scared of heights. I will post more pics of our adventures soon!

Tiger's Stripes

2005-10-04T20:30:00.000-07:00

"when parents say, 'I wish my child did not have autism,' what they're really saying is, 'I wish the autistic child I have did not exist, and I had a different (non-autistic) child instead.' Read that again. This is what we hear when you mourn over our existence. This is what we hear when you pray for a cure. This is what we know, when you tell us of your fondest hopes and dreams for us: that your greatest wish is that one day we will cease to be, and strangers you can love will move in behind our faces."

Don't Mourn For Us, by Jim Sinclair.

I read this snippet over on Aspergersexpress.com. I couldn't access the whole article. So I think back to all my stressful times and wonder if I ever said those words out loud. I think maybe I did say things to that effect, out of frustration. The fact is, I do want my Tiger to not have autism. But I know thats impossible. I don't love him less than my "normal" children. I love him enough to let him develop to the man he will be someday. I want him to be self sufficient. He is already so independent, I know this is what he wants as well.The only behaviors I want changed are the dangerous ones.(i.e. the hitting!) I see his frustration at not being able to speak. I accepted long ago that he would be who he is. And that is , MY SON. He just happens to have autism. And big brown eyes. And an amazing smile. A hilarious giggle. He loves the water, sand, puzzles, Batman, other people's french fries, little black puppies, magnetic alphabet letters, Dr. Seuss books, and Magnadoodle (broken out of the frame so he can use both sides.) His favorite color is blue. He has a little black weiner dog. His best friend at school is named Matthew. He has 3 sisters and a brother that he loves to wrestle with. He gives kisses when you ask. He loves to roll himself up in a blanket for bedtime. Of course there is more than I can ever list. He is forever interesting and wonderful to me and his father. I hope this Tiger never changes his stripes.

No Hitting!

2005-10-01T15:58:00.000-07:00

No hitting. That's a phrase used in my house ad nauseum. We say this to Tiger all day every day.
As of late he is hurting himself to the point I think he may do some real damage. Last week at school he head banged something and cut through his lower lip. His father had to go to the school and see if he needed to go to the hospital or if we could take care of it with liquid bandage. Luckily it was not as bad as it sounds. Liquid bandage did the trick.

Now, if you have never seen the fit of a child with autism, well, you just haven't seen anything. Fit may not be the best word. Wall eyed fit is something one would say here in Texas, but I am not sure how to explain what that means either. Its so bad that if this were to happen in public we would most likely be arrested. The scene is so physical, that if you didn't know what was going on you'd be sure we were beating him. If you looked at his physical bruising, you be sure we are beating him. If you looked at his bruised up face...you'd think for sure someone is beating him. What we do is try to hold his hands so that he can't hit himself. He is so strong that we have to sit on him. He tries to bite and then we pin him more.

Tiger likes to hit and slap things with his hands. He likes to slap his own forehead. He likes to ram himself into the wall. He likes to head butt holes into the wall. There are countless holes in the doors and walls of this house. Lately he does this new thing where he hits himself until he bloodies his nose. He did this night before last. His daddy wasn't here to help me. It took all the strength I could muster to keep him down and from hurting himself. This went on for about an hour. You'd think he'd exhaust himself and quit. But he kept on going and going. And at the end of it I was left bewildered, and exhausted. I don't know what to do with this situation anymore. He can almost over power me...and he is 7! So besides working out with weights to get strong enough to be more able to hold him down, what can I do? The problem is not being strong enough to hold him down. The problem is that he needs to be held down.

I've written before about how his autism doesn't rule everything I do. But it does have a serious effect on everyday life around here. I have to keep the front, back, and garage door locked at all times.(Or he may run away.) All the bedroom doors have locks. Most of our food is in the garage.(because he will get all the goodies out and put them in various parts of the house.) We can't go to movies as a family. We can't go to church as a family. We rarely go out to dinner as a family. We can't often go shopping as a family. His behavior IS starting to dominate our family.

There is hope. His behaviors change. We used to have all sorts of problems with him that are no longer an issue today. I used to have to practically sit on him to get him dressed in the morning. He was 5 before he was completely potty trained. Just last year we couldn't keep him from coloring all over the walls, tables, furniture. He no longer does this. My hopes are up that this too will pass. Hurting himself has got to pass. I hope one day there will be no more hitting.

dreams

2005-09-10T12:09:00.000-07:00

I am a prolific dreamer! I almost always remember the dreams I have each night. Here lately I have had a couple of dreams about Tiger talking. In one he said a few words. In the other he was just talking like all my other kids. I can't begin to describe how good it felt.

I want for him to talk so much. I can see how hard he tries to be understood. Last year it seemed like he was making a little progress and this year, its gone back to nothing. Every once in a while I can get him to say something. And it only seems like he is willing so say it only if he really wants to. For instance, he was ready to go home after an overnight visit to his grandparents. So when I told him to say "Bye-bye" he very willingly did so. Loud and clear too.

This year he won't even tell the bus driver bye, but last year he did it consistently! He really liked the driver and the helper last year! This year...not so much. Its disappointing, but what can I do. I don't really like the driver either, but I don't make it obvious. Maybe Tiger can pick up on clues I don't realize I am giving off. Maybe he notices there's no smiling or chatting.

I've heard from several pepople who had boys such as mine. They all said that after 12/13, they talked. they finally figured it out. That gives me hope, although not sure why. Meanwhile, I'll keep dreaming!

The Wonderful World of Autism

2005-09-10T08:13:00.000-07:00

I just read an article about a 5 yr old boy that died from a treatment called chelation. Its basically a treatment meant to remove heavy metals from the body. Since so many people believe mercury is a direct contributor to autism, chelation seems like a good idea. But this baby was 5. I cringe because the death of any 5 year old is tragic. But more so I cringe because this is a treatment that was recommended to me by other parents. Well meaning but Kooky parents here in my own neighborhood.

When we first moved here we were encouraged to join up with other parents in the Collin County Autism Society. It was supposed to help. I didn't get much out of it. A few times I was bombarded with advice about completely changing his diet. That gluten free crap. And just about everything has gluten, folks. After an hour of one well meaning mom, I asked if her son was better. Not really, and he was still on other medication. The parents meetings also seemed to be devoted to griping about politics. Lots of Bush bashing. Last time I looked, he wasn't the one responsible for the care and treatment of my son. "He should do more " was a common complaint. (Like what?) The meetings turned into an exercise in futility. Nothing was accomplished. I certainly didn't feel better. I left more confused and discouraged than before.

It also seems everytime a parent gets interviewed by any media all they can say is that mercury in immunizations cause autism. Maybe that is their experience. I can't blame them for feeling the way they do, if their child truly changed after a shot. But that wasn't my experience. And they speak for all parents? What does consistently blaming mercury in immunizations do to help my child who already has autism? We can't go back in time. I just don't understand the blame game. It hinders real progress. All the effort thats going to proving that unsubstantiated mercury link, and it really is unsubstantiated, could be going to real research.

I've met and seen parents that have their whole life affected and devoted to Autism. It rules every aspect of their lives. I used to feel bad that I wasn't a crusader for Autism. That maybe I was viewed as not caring as much as they do. So I don't take Tiger to the doc every five minutes. I haven't tried every wacky diet/treatment plan. I'm doing the best I can with the tools God gave me. I do what I think is best for Tiger. I treat him like a regular child. I treat him like the beautiful, sweet, smart, 7 year old that he is. Its always been my instinct and intention to do so. His siblings also treat him like that. They wish he didn't have autism, but they also relish his bouts of normalcy. They cheer when he says a word. They are truly excited to see him do things right that he once struggled with.

I don't feel bad anymore for not letting his Autism turn me into a Kook. I love my son too much for that. I have a connection to other parents of Autistic kids. But don't lump me in there with those that would do anything or blame anyone. It breaks my heart to see some of these kids suffer through their useless treatments. And some have even lost their lives.

Cute

2005-09-09T19:05:00.000-07:00

Corpus Christi beach

2005-09-07T21:17:00.000-07:00

Tiger Clothes

2005-09-01T16:51:00.000-07:00

Tiger has been a tiger for Halloween 5 out of his 6 Halloweens. He was a pumpkin the first time, and honestly didn't seem too happy about it. In retrospect, I think I should not dress my children as food. Anyway, his tiger costume is getting small, he is getting big and I need to make him a new one. He wears this costume all the time. I don't know why. Maybe he likes being the tiger. I looked and looked for a good tiger costume to fit him now, but they were either cheap and flimsy or nice and way, way overpriced!

The rest of the time Tiger prefers to be naked, or half naked. (No pants.) He likes to change clothes through out the day. He likes to wear evryone else's clothes too. Even his little sister's clothes aren't safe! So he walks around in skin tight jeans and highwaters. He really is too much fun sometimes!

Sensory Issues

2005-09-01T16:26:00.000-07:00

Every day he comes home with a new bruise or scrape. He hurts himself intentionally . He has a sensory problem. He needs more than normal. I thinks he's had a perpetual bruise on his head since he was walking. He likes to head butt things. He loves to smack things with his open hand. I can't even count how many times he has broken windows in our house. Last week he head butted the school bus door and cracked it! It was awful. He wasn't hurt but they had to send out a different bus, and then another one came along. It was a mess. I'm just glad he hasn't bloodied his head with this behavior.

Water! That kid would stay in the water all day if I let him. Its to the point that I can't let him in the back yard without him turning on the water. And no matter how many times I turn it off or tell him to stop, he won't. I guess something about pouring it and feeling it does something for his sensory integration. He was that way with sand too but it got to be such a huge mess!

Eventually we will buy a house with a pool. Then I will worry ALL the time about him getting in the water. He hasn't been taught how to swim yet. And maybe we will get a trampoline too. Who knows. He needs a lot of action though! Ha! I said action.

Tiger Diaries

2005-08-27T07:30:00.000-07:00

I have been keeping written diaries for each of my kids off and on for most of their lives. I found some entries I wrote last year and went through them. Its amazing how much better he is doing than last year. Thats always been the case with him. He does better than before, but is not where he should be.

When he was around 12-18 months old, we noticed his lack of words. He was a happy baby, but didn't want to talk about it. He didn't point. He didn't even seem to want try to talk. He was content. And I wasn't worried. I figured he was just different. He laughed and smiled and interacted with us all.

July 24. 2000
Hi Ty! You cute thing! I love you. I tell you all the time, but you are silent.
I'm so worried about you. You babble and squeal, but you don't talk. You'll be alright. You understand things. I guess you just don't want to talk about it!
You will be 2 in just 13 days. Wow! I can't believe how fast you are growing. I love you so much. I wish you could stay my little boy forever.
You love to climb! And thankfully you have pretty good balance. When I tell you to get down you say, "I do!"

That was the extent of his vocabulary back then. He could also repeat a few words, but not anything deliberate. A few days after that we started the visits with Early Childhood Intervention. They came out to the house and assessed his skills and development. (It was several visits) The assessment was that he was behind, in speech obviously. Also behind in other areas such as appropriate play. Like instead of recognizing that little cars are supposed to go "vroom", he put in lines according to their type/color. He was almost obsessed with putting things in his own order. He wanted to watch the same videos over and over and over. And he climbed non stop! Sounds pretty normal, alot of kids have those traits. But combined with the speech problem, then you see it!

I didn't know much about Autism. I think maybe I didn't want to know. I didn't want to match up traits and get myself all worried about it. I didn't keep a diary after EIC came to assess him. I didn't know what would come next if he did have a problem.

Less than 6 months after I wrote that in his book I was pregnant with Zoe.

The Tiger

2005-08-25T20:31:00.000-07:00